I need a man

I can't believe I haven't posted this story yet...

A few weeks ago, I visited an octogenarian couple in their home. I took a classic home cookin meal of stewed chicken, buttermilk biscuits, and soggy greenbeans. They welcomed me to sit with them while they ate. Sweet people! Conversation was simple and humble, going from family updates to the weather. The wife, however, was mostly deaf and unable to participate in the banter. In the midst of our polite conversation, the husband suddenly smacked the table and said, "Girl! You are wasting the best years of your life!" Shocked, I said, "---, what do you mean?" To which he replied, "You need to be under the sheets with someone every night! You need to be loving!" Aghast, I turned scarlet while he chuckled and tried to encourage me that I shouldn't stay single. (N.B. This is an absolutely verboten topic with single women. Do not try this at home.) He laughed and laughed, and started to chuckle, too. His deaf wife then leaned in to ask, "What are you laughing about?" Without replaying the whole exchange, --- shortened the conversation and just yelled, "She NEEDS a man!" And she, of course, said, "What?" To which he replied again, "She NEEDS a MAN!!" I decided to leave before the neighbors came over to see who exactly needed a man, and what, exactly, she needed him for.

The things I get myself into.