Poem as prayer

I love poetry! Here's a great one I read today...

"Song" (by Adrienne Rich)
You're wondering if I'm lonely:
OK then, yes, I'm lonely
as a plane rides lonely and level
on its radio beam, aiming
across the Rockies
for the blue-strung aisles
of an airfield on the ocean.

You want to ask, am I lonely?
Well, of course, lonely
as a woman driving across country
day after day, leaving behind
mile after mile
little towns she might have stopped
and lived and died in, lonely

If I'm lonely
it must be the loneliness
of waking first, of breathing
dawn's first cold breath on the city
of being the one awake
in a house wrapped in sleep

If I'm lonely
it's with the rowboat ice-fast on the shore
in the last red light of the year
that knows what it is, that knows it's neither
ice nor mud nor winter light
but wood, with a gift for burning.

Is a compliment a compliment?

I'm not good at accepting unexpected compliments, compliments that point to an undesirable truth, or back-handed compliments. They're awkward. And while it would be much easier to say, "thank you" and walk away, I feel compelled to interpret them and even argue with the giver. Recent such words have suggested that I might be a great children's minister, my sermons are not from the internet, and I've grown so much (professionally speaking). Each of these is a nice idea, but none of them were in aggreement with my current viewpoint. Each of these seemed to be spoken as a trying-to-point-me-in-a-new-direction kind of way. And if that is the case, are these actually compliments? If the speaker is trying to change someone, is it really a compliment?

To love or not to love: THAT is the question

... whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer...

I am wondering if it is possible to un-love someone. It seems that if you truly love someone/thing/people it would be impossible to un-love them. Of course, love changes over time. The love felt for someone may blossom into compassion or concern, but I don't think that it is possible to scoop out the love you once had and throw it away.

Considering this from the famous 1 Corin 13 text that states, "Love never ends... [prophecies] will cease; as for knowledge, it will come to an end..." Paul seems to move to a place that true love (from God) is the one eternal piece we have in the world. This gives me hope; however, I wonder how many people ever experience such true Godly love in their lives. Not many, I'm afraid. Most, if not all, of our relationships are filled with limited love. I realize the disparity between God’s love and our “fast-food-get-it-how-you-like-it” love on earth. It fills us up temporarily, but leaves us longing for more. We are used to being loved poorly, loved conditionally, loved incompletely. We are used to love as a competitive sport and unrequited love. We are used to being rejected when we’ve gained too much weight, or sent away when we’re in a bad mood, or manipulated when we aren’t doing as another hoped.

But even in our limited ways, I think that our hearts cling to fragments of love and try to carry them through trials, troubles, and terrors. The most atrocious historical figures had people who loved them. Is this good news? How do you negotiate relationships that change and move away from love? Does that undermine the love you had? Was it ever truly love?

30 years ago today...

rules are/not made to be broken

It is no longer cool for clergy to live separate from the world. After several decades of ministers hanging out with folks and trying to make church a friendlier place, church leadership have been absorbed into the world. They have tried to weaken the historical ropes separating laity and clergy. Youth leaders do all they can to get onto students' levels, pastors unbutton their collar, and people try to jazz up the worship space. Though attempting to be helpful, they/we have compromised much; often settling for less-than in hopes that people would grow into the more uncomfortable pieces of Christian life. Initially we might have been accused of false advertising, but now our habits have begun to solidify, leaving us with little ground on which to stand.

It is now strange and unusual for clergy (in my tradition) to be hard-nosed about Christian behavior. Recently, I entered the treacherous territory of confirmation expectations. There is no attendance policy (with reward or punishment) for any class or group in the congregation EXCEPT for the confirmation class. Its specific goals and experiences led the teachers to require attendance at all events. (Students are allowed to miss 2 without penalty.) In a culture with traveling sports teams, Sunday games, and other familial busy-ness, we suddenly find ourselves as the bad guys. From the parents' perspective: it is unrealistic for students to come every time, church is not about learning; church is about loving, parents can teach students what they miss in class. And said snidely, of course the pastors would not understand that there is anything worthwhile outside of church.

Isn't it my job to encourage members in their discipleship? Isn't it my job to hold God/The Church above other things? Isn't it my job to remind people of the sacrifices (albeit minor) that we can/are called to offer God?

I feel caught between this need to be "cool" and understanding, as opposed to encouraging dedication to something bigger. Personally, I wish everyone had more of a desire to separate from the secular. I wish that everyone wanted to spend several weeks in a monastic setting, practicing faith with discipline. Though since I realize that this is an unrealistic hope for the majority of the world, isn't it important for me to maintain it for clergy and other intentional religious folk? There is a though that people pay their ministers/priests/clergy to be the people they want to be. So, as I push a family to put God first, to work for something bigger, to be intentional about being "different" from the rest of the team, I am trying to invite them into this Other space.

Help! What do you think?

a REAL girl

Last night someone told me how they were describing me to another person. In their attempt to downplay my ministerial role, they said, "She's like a real person..." "Like a real person?," I asked. I am a real person. Seriously. A real girl who happens to be a clergy type. A real girl who loves to shop, loses my temper, and has a potty mouth. I understand what they meant, but seriously?!

I'm just sayin'.

The Community

Some are very lucky to live in the midst of their community, having friends and supporters, encouragers, and challengers around them. Some of us, however, live in the diaspora. We are part of the scattered Community. Always on the lookout for our 'people', life becomes a journey for the sacred. It is desperately hard to get by some days. Knowing that The Community is out there isn't always enough. I'd like a tangible incarnation of my people -- hands to lift a pint, arms to hold, voices to commend, and feet to follow. So on the rare days when I am blessed to be with The Community, I rejoice! I leap and dance and sing and shout, "Alleluia!"

There is more to this, but I don't have words yet. This is one of my life's threads. Something that I spend a lot of time pondering. It seems like my call will forever be among the disapora. I hope to be blessed with the opportuity to live in The Community some day.